Killing kows in suburbia

Amongst the many things that had to be done this week one gratuitous moment came on Friday morning when I snatched and caught chunks on the move of what seemed to be one of Perlman's more bizarre after eight debate topics.[SAFM Fri 7.7.06]

Apparently there are citizens who have been moving into the old genteel suburbs and are offending the established inmates through a particular customary habit which seems to involve beating a kow to death in some way [that was never clarified] and then doing who knows what [again unclarified] with the blood n guts and the skin n things and then presumably eating the carcass in some way, [also not clarified].


In fact all we know after an hour of debate is that kows are being moved into the suburbs somehow and then slaughtered in pursuit of some vigorously defended but inherently unexplained 'cultural purpose' whatever this bizarrely defined ritual signified somehow got lost, well certainly on me.

We know from various callers that the process of slaughter results in the kow making a fearful noise; filled with terror and scaring children and causing dogs to bark. From my days as a hunter in my youth one can assume that the process of post mortem gutting would be generally stenching up the neighbourhood with instantly rotting intestinal parts, which in turn rapidly all bring masses of flies and maggots n things into the environment. This state of affairs would be presumably regarded by most people without medical aid facilities as a potential health hazard to be avoided, and apparently it's here: going on next door as soon as 'they' move in.

Yes you're right it was one of the incessant "us" n "them"...issues again.

Ignoring for a moment the thought that this may actually be quite an isolated phenomenon, notwithstanding that this debate has apparently occurred previously on other stations over the past couple of years: this is at least the third such debate on radio that I have picked up on recently, I would like again to stress that on each occasion this issue of why kows need to be butcheredat presumably huge expense seems unclarified. One presumes that status is somehow involved.

We don't know how the kows are killed, who does the killing or what happens to the bits n pieces. Is the late kow consumed by the guests? Is it eaten raw [i presumen not]or cooked, is it buried in the ground for a period of time in pursuit of some arcane plea or perhaps just given to the dogs. What in other words, happens to the contents of the kow once the kow is noisily despatched.

The rage on the part of some frustrated pro-kow killing citizens was that [those?] 'people' objected to this practice. [ as usual these debates are loaded with 'they'ing' and 'them'ing']. The phone-ins were pretty adamant. A considerable body of callers regarded the practice with general distaste. And conversely there was the almost reflexive flood of calls denouncing all those who saw the practice as reprehensible, for whatever reasons, as mean minded exclusionists. But then it wouldn't be a debate without a whole lot of inter-tribal slanging and random rage loaded stereotyping going on would it?.

There was some outnumbered fellow who took an animal rightist position. That being horrible to animals in fulfilment of one's cultural wank was uncool. His point was ignored. Perlman stuck to his point-he wasn't digressing from his prize into some never never land -he wanted blood. We did establish though that the caller wasn't circumcised [!] and felt it had not impacted on his life[don't ask!]. Perlman gave up and we went back to Kows

Interestingly no one phoned in to suggest that the entire issue represents a great business opportunity. And so in the interests of pouring oil on troubled bloodstains, I shall rectify this in what follows.

First off: I think this whole issue of kultural rights is something that needs to be assessed in terms of where we believe that we're going and if we are going to keep up with this particular practice [ie ritual suburban kow killing] or move on into the 21st century.

Secondly: We also have to remember that in a world overwhelmingly loaded with inherently superfluous humanity that anything that can turn a buck must be promoted as a means of solving the desperate problem of work opportunity shortage that afflicts us nationally.

In other words while we recognise that cultural variances can retard progressive trends we are dependent on these variances to generate tourism revenue simply because it provides employment. The question not mentioned in the debate is 'do we move on' or do we make this 'cultural practice' work for us, assuming we can resolve the animal rightist issues inherent in moving on.

By way of example of moving on, for instance, it was a common customary practice amongst my ancestors to pop over to the local 'loony bin' [sic] [known today by the more politically correct term Psychiatric treatment centre]
on a Sunday after mandatory church attendance,
and poke sticks at the 'loons' and
generally have a bit of fun at their expense and feed them pea-nuts [get it] and such like infantile stuff. This was considered so 'normal' that we still have the word 'bedlam'
in our language.

Bedlam represented one of the more famous places where my ancestors practiced this outlandish cultural belief.

Others of my ancestor's favourite cultural practices were bear baiting, dog fighting and dame ducking [no not with an F]. This latter you may know involved tying some offending female onto a stool on the end of a see saw and tipping her into a pond when they became a tad uppity. If they survived it must have been because they practiced witchcraft, which we had been culturally wired to believe was bad. Therefore we would kill those who survived.

We don't do this anymore. [Some would suggest we do, only with more subtlety and a large dose of bulimia.]

I for one regret, with some nostalgia, that we no longer have public hangings
and that we no longer take women [and men for that matter] convicted of infanticide
and while still living, sew them into cloth bags
and toss them overboard into Table Bay. It was also customary amongst certain local indigenous
cultural groups to garrotte rapists while they were immersed in water and some excellent lithographs on this topic have come down to us via the inestimable Thomas
Baines. I note without judgement that we don't seem to keen on reintroducing this cultural practice into the suburbs.

Collectively all this punishment seemed so wonderfully gratifying.

Nonetheless I also accept that part of the price one pays
to progress into this wonderfully secular consumerist world illusion
that we have created out of nothing
but expectations and shaped belief
is that one sets aside these more bizarre rituals in the
'interests of progress' [such a gloriously empty phrase isn't it?] and
'getting along with each other'.

However what I think and what the market does
are invariably unrelated to each other I see that this particular kow killing
'cultural practice' rooted as it is in the general fantasy's with which
we people our mundane existence has immense
potential as a business idea .

It is perhaps symptomatic of how we allow emotion to inter-
fere with judgement that no entrepreneurial types have seen the opportunity
presented
by this unleashed national outpouring of desire to ritually 'murder' animals
in suburbia.

There are two [perhaps not] obvious avenues of approach here:
· the 'home ritualisers' who were the subject of the debate.
· And 'World Cup Ox Slag Braais' with a difference. [for offshore readers O.R. Slag = butcher = braais = barbeque aka 'barbies' to antipodeans ]
· Combine two cultural habits and create a dramatic and omnipotent backdrop to those staggeringly prosaic football games upon the screen-Combine Paglia's Chthonian, Dionysian night with the shallow Apollonian fantasy of football. [And by the way the new logo is totally 'there'-I love the covert, ironic symbolism of the black figure being the only one holding the ball while the four semi-finalists this year were all European. According to our beloved el Presidente we {Africa} are going to win the next one. He stated this with such Smutsean purpose that I for one believed him-why not.]

But to the first: Since there is obviously a demand for 'cow slaughtering services' I envisage an enterprising fellow-well versed in the various practices popular in the cow slaughtering devotee market who would for a market related fee set up a razz ma tazz ritual slaughter with a full surround sound production system with moaning ancestors sounds and suitably devout music and bone rattling SFX and all accommodated in a small stadium in a slaughter approved warehouse.

All the guests would arrive and sit/stand/whatever in the appropriate recognised ritual format You know the sort of thing: important people at the front with, shortguns, machetes, daggers, or depending on how far back the ritual goes, maybe rock clubs or maybe even just the rocks.

They would be supplied with ritual gowns and gloves and, watched by lesser guests would consummate the ceremony [if I may use such a delicate phrase to gloss over the unclarified murdering process].

The whole business could take place in a sanctified
soundproof environment
after which all the parts needed for the balance of the event could be separated from the parts not needed, like
say
for instance the hooves [this is an assumption-maybe the hooves are part of the ritual-so little was clarified-so much left to the muse], and they could all be removed to the celebrants homestead where a roasting arrangement had been prepared, in the same way that people go from the wedding to the reception..

I am of course assuming [again] here [perhaps incorrectly] that the subsequently
dead kow is cooked: the debate was unclear on this point and given how long it usually takes to cook a kow from raw I couldn't rule out the idea that for those guests who were really important and had to go to lots of meetings even on Sundays that they would most probably eat the meat raw as a sign of their superior social standing and then leave immediately after eating.]. Of course in culturally diverse homes the meat could be zoomed inside and nuked with the microwaves for the important guests: as long as nobody finds out.

But it is in number two option here where I really see a wonderful opportunity: the world cup festivities.

Here the opportunity exists to create that truly continental vibe that has been the subject of so much yearning over this practice we're having for the big event. You know what I mean- people are constantly phoning in to a range of radio stations to air their aspiration to see that this world cup truly symbolises what is different about our continent. They'll love this.

Killing Kows for the Kup.

Those who've followed recent [Cup] events will know that most people in Germany never got any closer to the stadiums where the action was than those of us who stayed at home and watched it on the telly. Instead these vast hordes were gloriously entertained in huge squares not unlike say Hatfield Square in the curiously named Tshwane where big screens showed the game and those who found the action boring could drink, shag, and generally have fun while all the time being available to cheer joyfully when something cool did occasionally happen. I thought it was a delightful Germanic contribution to the notion of multitasking.

Imagine a pre-qualifier or semi-final preceded by the 'public slaughter of kows' in these public places [under special licence of course]. Designated Muti men would hold 'divination sessions' to pick the likely winners and the different supporter groups could vie and bid for the biggest kow for 'their' team. Then all those bloodthirsty supporters who travel in packs with their teams could participate in the general 'killing of the kow' [according to best ritual practice of course]. And those with the biggest meanest collection of gate guarding ancestors would have to win against the pure and the virtuous.

[Note for language purists: the Kow would have been deconstructed to an abstraction through calling it Kow instead of Cow and as a result the thirsting tourist hordes would perceive only an abstract solution to their joy, in the classic self-indulgent passion of pursuing ones cultural extremities, like crossing the planet to watch people kick a ball. They would no longer see Kow as a live creature that feels pain, fear and anxiety.]

For an additional fee people could practice their ancient beliefs through swinging the machete/club/boulder whatever and get a certificate confirming that they have attended a ritual World Cup 2010-Kow Killing- and done whatever it is that is done.

I think this would be a hit and would certainly contribute to what we all hope will be called 'The memorable Cup'.

Of course I understand that there will be the usual outcry from the 'huggers' over moral issues and how this business of publically slaughtering kows in the suburban square in front of the ritual Plasma screen may contribute to foreigners learning to associate our continent with overt animal slaughter, but that is what people coming to the mother continent should anticipate with joy-They will get to experience reality in place of the sanitised homogenised off-stage animal slaughter practiced in their homelands where most human carnivores have leaned to disassociate the meat they buy in butcheries with the fact of a once living entity sacrificed deliciously to our craving for their flesh.

Cheers